I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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