I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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