Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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