Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
