you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
