butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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