aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
