Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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