I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
