So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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