we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
