Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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