I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
