I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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