My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
