please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
