Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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