I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
