I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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