Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
