It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
