My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
