i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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