i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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