i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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