??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
