Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
