I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
