He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
