i already hear my dad disowning me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
