she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
