If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
