Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
