I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
