Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
