Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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