I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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