I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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