Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
