I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
