I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
