I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
