How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
