By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
