Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
