I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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