No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
