She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
