I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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