were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
