i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
