oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
