I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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