we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
