im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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